You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
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yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Never forget.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.