Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
You Might Also Like
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.