Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
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Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row