In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
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I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)