@ventivodkacran: You'd think these people on Grey's Anatomy would've already figured out that a major disaster is going to happen every year around May.
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@GoldenSpirals: My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over, and now I'm frantically looking for a new place to live.
@Thedudish: My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I'm clearing out my desk
@TySmithdrums: Imagine a drunk porcupine trying to sneak into bed without waking his porcupine wife but his porcupine wife put balloons everywhere.
@Manali_Shetye5: Mom: can i borrow your laptop? Me: *deletes history* Me: *logs out of twitter* Me: *closes chrome* Me: *opens internet explorer* Me: sure