You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
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motivation
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
No Google it does not
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
“The Perfect Relationship”
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from