Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
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Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK