I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
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Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Bruh PLEASE
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off