You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
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ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
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Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Tell the colonel to bring it
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.