You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
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Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.