You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
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I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.