“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
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Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
scared to check what name she chose
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Not even remotely sorry.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger