@aardvarsk: "You'll sleep when I'm dead" -- my phone
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@GeorgeTakei: Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton's speech calling them a "basket of deplorables." The rest had to go look up "deplorable."
@Mr_Kapowski: Wife: *from inside the closet* “Should I wear my mink coat?” Me: *adjusting cuff links and cummerbund in the mirror* “Jesus Christ, honey. We’re going to Target, not Walmart. Of course wear the mink”
@bourgeoisalien: I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he's been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
@ArfMeasures: [Starbucks] ME: [bursts in] THERE'S A GUNMAN AT LARGE BARISTA: [shrugs] ME: [sigh] THERE'S A GUNMAN AT VENTI B: *grande screaming noises*