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@aardvarsk: "You'll sleep when I'm dead" -- my phone
@Terdoh: How dare you complain about your life? Someone's mom is Snooki.
@ArfMeasures: ROOMMATE: While I'm away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
@robfee: House Hunters:
"We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown."
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
@Jasmin_Tatts: Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
@Duke1173: They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.