“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
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Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.