I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
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[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
My dad is at it again
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead