Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
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My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
😆this is so true
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.