*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
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“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.