Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
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it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.