[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
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BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.