@SethMacFarlane: Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
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@hippieswordfish: [police chase] FRIEND: ditch the stolen stuff ME: are u sure F: just do it M: *throws out stolen anchor and car comes to a screeching halt*
@internetluke: My work day - 8:00-11:30 - wonder what I'll eat for lunch today 11:30 - 12:00 - eat lunch 12:00 - 4:30 - Damn lunch was good.
@edgarrants: My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
@FunnerGunner: My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said, "I wanna watch."