Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
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[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I don’t think my car can fly
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Wait a minute…
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.