Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
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Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Noted.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”