Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
You Might Also Like
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Is your wife single?
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
The cashier just checked me out.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Great game to play with friends
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.