Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
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what do you want!!!!!!!!
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Breaking news:
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Bed should get ready for ME
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.