Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
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You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
How to properly lift a body
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER