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I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Some of y’all tomorrow …
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.