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Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Good morning y’all ☀️
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”