Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
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The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”