@SirEviscerate: Your date leans in and whispers "I'm not wearing panties." You shiver. She continues: "I pooped a little and had to throw them away."
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@wolfpupy: at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
@Turbo_Jimmy: *Wife thumps door* "I KNOW UR IN THERE! U BLEW OUR SAVINGS ON A SHITTY INVENTION, DIDN'T U?!" NO! *furiously flushes 1000s of dog-tampons*
@LizHackett: I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: "If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends."
@TheDairylandDon: No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.