@SirEviscerate: Your date leans in and whispers "I'm not wearing panties." You shiver. She continues: "I pooped a little and had to throw them away."
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@wildethingy: Could a murderer do THIS? *lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance* I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
@TheMichaelRock: [at restaurant]] 8yo: why does mom eat half of your food? Me: because.. Wife *evil glare* Me *terrified* because I don't want it.
@TheBoydP: The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That's when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake...