Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
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My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean