Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
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Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
me logging onto twitter
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.