@CornOnTheGoblin: Your dating profile said you were a night owl.....eat this mouse.
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@ibid78: "You know why I pulled you over?" "Does anyone know why anyone's pulled over?" "Wow. You're free to go." "Is anyone free?" "Oh you're good."
@iamburtjarvis: [in bed] her: u have done this before, right? me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey her: what? me: what?
@goldengateblond: LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.