Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
You Might Also Like
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
✌️
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.