@AlanFelyk: Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
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@SadPeruna: Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don't have friends.
@mexinonblonde: Don't ever leave a bag of mini Heath bars at your desk to prove you can't be tempted.... Because Satan's game is strong
@fatherofcomedy: I don't like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
@Quadricycle: *Frantically typing on google* 'How to do CPR' *Opens video, 30 second ad pops up* [To dying person] Ok just hold on a sec