@AlanFelyk: Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
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@Bagyants: Her: How do you get girls? Me: I'm smart and funny. Her: That works? Me: No I'm terribly alone, I was just saying.
@CornOnTheGoblin: [travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
@joeljeffrey: I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur. Needless to say, my gorgonzola salad was a huge let down.
@Vice_Queen: So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?