Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
You Might Also Like
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
favorite tropes as memes
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.