“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
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Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
barbara was highly relatable
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
awkward
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.