Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
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at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.