Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
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It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Feels like there should be a middle ground
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM