@dumbbeezie: Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
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@KevinFarzad: Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
@NicestHippo: We'd love to offer you the job [My phone buzzes] Congrats on your 250★ tweet! ME [leaving]: Lol no thanks I won't be needing to work anymore
@david8hughes: I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
@dshack8: I live by 2 simple rules: 1. Don't treat people like shit. 2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.