Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
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Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Match dot com, but for socks.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds