“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
You Might Also Like
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
#Caturday
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.