@NicestHippo: Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you're a wizard
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: [coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle] Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop. [puts in earbuds]
@dubstep4dads: ladies say I'm a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I'm uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
@onelongbender: I don't think I get enough credit in my family for making my siblings look successful.
@Book_Krazy: [interview] "How would you describe your people skills?" ME: I tend to drive others away. "That's great! Welcome to Uber."