@NicestHippo: Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you're a wizard
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@senderblock23: (commercial for drugs) Man: Nothing is working out in my life VO: Have you tried drugs? Man: (startled) Who said that Narrator: "Drugs"
@LoveNLunchmeat: Canadian Psycho, but it's just a businessman walking around with a chainsaw, apologizing profusely
@CrazyExhaustion: 5yo: What's a cannibal? Me: A person that eats another person. 5yo's eyes widen in horror. Me: You said cannonball, didn't ya?
@IGotsSmarts: My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.