My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
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*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.