@NicestHippo: Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you're a wizard
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@ArfMeasures: "We can't put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes" CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
@Cheeseboy22: My driver's license says I'm an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
@iwearaonesie: wife on facebook: homework with 9, he's doing so well! wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home