Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
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in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression