Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
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I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
🙄😏😂🤣
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.