@darinlovesbacon: Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
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@XplodingUnicorn: [playing the board game Guess Who] Me: Is your person handsome? 5-year-old: No, they look like you.
@atanya1111: Husband: are you cooking something? Me: of course not Husband: the oven timer just went off Me: oh yeah, take the wine out of the freezer
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Check it out! I'm juggling! Wife: Me: Wife: You're supposed to use more than one ball. Me: Can't you just be happy for me?
@Dawn_M_: I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.