@darinlovesbacon: Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
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@Crunk_Jews: This drunk guy in the mirror thinks he can beat me in a dance off but I totally embarrassed him in front of the whole women's bathroom.
@jimmytorosian: I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
@Michael_Erhart: Person: "That's a beautiful baby." Me: "Thanks, I named him after his grandpa." Person: "Awe, what's his name?" Me: "Grandpa."