Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
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If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I’d … I’d rather not.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.