[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
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[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
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