Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
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god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.