Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
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Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.