Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
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Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg