@KimmyMonte: Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
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@edgarrants: My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
@AngelaEhh: My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge. I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
@iinkedZombie: [pet store] Me *looking at snakes* "CAN I FEED THEM?" Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure. Me *putting my kids in tank*