Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
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We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
You wish you had this many chins.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way