Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
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All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Breaking news:
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.