The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
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I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Kermit goes Blue.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”