Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
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Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
our love story in four pictures
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.