Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
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Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Lmao
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size